Scarred Heart
by Chinesemoon
Summary: Remus has to leave for his mission of spying on the warewolves. How will Tonks react to this? Takes place during HBP.


**Scarred Heart**

By _Chinesemoon_

Summery: Tonks confronts Remus about her feelings for him. What will his reaction be?

A/N: Post-HBP. Contains some spoilers.

Remus let out all the air he'd been holding in his lungs. This world was slowly turning into a living nightmare. Every morning when he woke up, he wished he could go back to his old life. Every morning he came quickly to the realization that his best friend was dead and it wasn't just a dream. That was his reality now. Nothing came from sulking, he found quickly.

Remus climbed the stairs slowly. He'd just gotten back from meeting with Dumbledore. He agreed to the dangerous mission of spying on the werewolves. It made his insides churn to think of what he had to do. He was giving up all contact with _normal_ people. The fight time he thought that he laughed at himself almost bitterly. The only people who'd ever completely thought him _normal_ were James and Sirius. No, that wasn't true, Remus told himself. Tonks was different. She never even flinched when someone made a comment about his little "problem." She was kind enough to say nothing, and now he had to tell her he was leaving, and he didn't know how long he'd be gone.

Remus looked down both ends of the hallway. Number 12 was so dark and empty without Sirius. He shook his head. He didn't need to think of that now. He had another task to get through, and Remus aimed to get it over with as fast as possible. He had to leave in only 2 short hours and he needed to stop and see Arthur Weasley first. He had little time.

"Tonks?" Remus pushed open the door to the upstairs sitting room. He knew Tonks loved this room because of its huge fireplace. "Tonks, are you in here?"

"Wotcher, Remus," Tonks looked up from her armchair and smiled. "Come for a chat?"

Remus remained silent and looked away. This was proving harder than he'd anticipated.

Tonks frowned and rose from her chair. "Hey," she said. "What's wrong?"

"Tonks," Remus spoke her name quietly. His heart was suddenly pounding. "I'm leaving."

"Eh?" Tonks raised an eyebrow. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm going to live with the werewolves. I'm becoming a spy for Dumbledore," he said. He watched her reaction at once. Her smiled vanished and was replaced with a look of impending horror.

"What? That's madness!" Tonks grew pink in the face. Her voice began to raise. He knew this would happen. He knew she wouldn't take it well. He couldn't say what it was, but lately, something had changed between them. He looked away; looking her in the eye was impossible.

"I agreed to do this, Tonks," Remus said. "And I'm perfect for this kind of job. Not only am I a –" Remus paused only for a breath of a moment. "—a werewolf myself but… I have no family, no one waiting for me. If something happens…"

"Don't talk rubbish to me," Tonks snapped. "So what if you don't have a family? That doesn't mean you can walk into danger without regard to—"

Remus felt his temper raising. "I assure you, I am _quite_ aware of the danger. I'm going, so please don't make this any harder than it already is."

Tonks turned away but Remus had already seen the tears. He sighed and stepped forward.

"Look Tonks, I'm sorry," Remus said. He laid his hand on her shoulder. "I have to do this. I have no choice."

Tonks turned back to face him, her face streaming with tears. "Listen to me, Remus Lupin. I've already lost Sirius… I can't lose… I can't…"

Remus titled his head. He brought his hand up to brush a strand of her hair out of her face. He wanted to say a million things at once but one thing remained lodged in his mind. He couldn't hurt this girl. She meant something to him.

"Tonks," Remus whispered. He was lost for words.

"Please, Remus," Tonks sobbed, now losing control and pressing her head against his shoulder, teary-eyed. "Don't leave like this… I… I can't even say it."

"Shh, calm down," Remus stroked her short hair. "Go on with your life."

"No."

Tonks pulled back and stared up at him. It occurred to him that he was holding this girl in his arms in a way that he shouldn't be. He was thinking things he shouldn't be, and feeling things he shouldn't be. None of this was possible. They were going somewhere they shouldn't go.

"Tonks, I'm going," Remus began to pull away. Tonks clinged on. "Please don't."

Abruptly, she leaned up and kissed him. His head was spinning as they stood there, not moving at all. Moving would break this unbelievable spell. Her smooth lips pressed harder against his and for one blissful moment, Remus allowed himself to kiss her back. That moment had gone just as fast as it came.

Remus pulled away suddenly. He stared down at the breathless face of Tonks. He'd never as much as touched her hand before and now this. It was impossible.

"No," Remus said. "No, Tonks."

"I love you," Tonks said in a strangled voice. "I love you Remus. I've always loved you from the moment I set eyes on you."

"You're _ten years younger than me,_" Remus said stubbornly. "We can't _do this._"

"There's nothing to do," Tonks said. "There's nothing to say other than that I'm completely in love with you."

Remus felt himself blush. He wanted so bad to forget everything else in his life expect her. He wanted nothing more than to run away and live with her forever. He wanted something he couldn't have. Society wouldn't allow it; _he_ wouldn't allow it.

"You deserve a younger man…" Remus choked. "You deserve someone who isn't scarred."

"I don't care!" Tonks cried. "I don't care about scars. I care about _you._"

"For me to allow something like this… it will scar you, Tonks."

"Remus—"

Remus looked away. He took a deep breath and looked at her. His scarred heart did as he told it.

"I don't love you that way, Tonks."

He turned without another word and left the room.

He lied.

finis


End file.
